im panicked

So,to preface this post, as most of you know, before I was pregnant with Kade, I had a not so fun miscarraige that was mid-pregnancy and had to be induced and deliver this baby.

Today when I had my appt, first of all, we switched insurance(not by choice) so I pay a heck of a lot more of a heck of a lot less, so instead of having the amazing Kaiser where everything I need is in one building, I get Aetna aka "go to a million different doctors and buildings in 5 different cities just to find out if your pregnant."

So, I have the appt, I have to check all those boxes about pregnancy history which is really hard for the nurses and doctor to grasp the fact...3 total pregnancies, 1 live birth, one miscarraige, and this one. Out of the other two, both were vaginal deliveries. They looked at me like I was stupid,"So, it's actually 1 vaginal delivery.." like they know. NO ITS TWO!!! I really had to explain it in detail to 5 different people that I had to deliver this "fetal demise" as they kept calling it. That's really something to want to re-live over and over in a matter of an hour.

Anyhow, thats just the half of it. So, everything as far as THIS pregnancy is going well until they inform me that my uterus isn't as big as it should for as far along as I am. I immediately assume, ok, well I'm pretty sure I am 5 weeks from conception anyways but the doctor had told me 7.5 so whatever. They go straight to their little voice recording device and state,"patient has smaller uterus than expected due date. this is cause for concern due to the patient's history of fetal demise, possible abnormality." I never even crossed my mind till they said it. Now those old feelings are coming up and everyone keeps telling me, just relax and wait.

Oh yeah...WAIT. That's exactly what I'm going to have to do. I have to go back tomorrow morning to fill out more paperwork, then go to a completely seperate town for a lab test, wait a week for an appt with the doctor then go to another town to a gentic specialist who will give me the 1st trimester sonogram(even thought the doctor stated that he could do it himself) because of my history. All the genetic specialist is going to tell me is that I am a carrier for cystic fibrosis. Duane is not, problem squashed.

I am so frustrated with my insurance, with my doctor, with myself for freaking out, and at time for moving so slow. I have to wait 2 weeks to find out if I am carrying another dead child. I am panicking. God, give me strength.